Cold December
by lactose-intolerent
Summary: What if Natsume and Mikan broke up? They turned out to be just like any other boyfriend girlfriend relationship. How will she cope? What will she do? This is kind of a sappy story but I still hope you enjoy! [one shot] Tell me your thoughts and comments.


_**Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice or any of its characters. Enjoy!!!**_

Who knew that you were the one I would fall in love with. The one that would tease me daily yet helped me in equal amounts. The one that glares so coldly could even gaze at me as an equal.

Who knew that six years ago, you would kiss me and then a year later you would confess. Those lips belonging to such a stubborn boy were actually as soft as kittens' breath. Those lips that execute insults, threats, and growls daily to get on my nerves actually spoke the three words that meant more to me than life.

Who knew that those interrogative crimson eyes, usually viewing the world with scornful hatred, would actually look at me with such care? Turning from a crimson blood red to a sweet colored maroon, emotion clear as day.

Who knew that those hands, calloused and rough would make me feel so safe? Those hands which cast flames. Those hands which cause mischief here and there. Those hands that kill people to protect his own. Those hands that wrapped me in a warm embrace every now and then.

And yet, who knew that the relationship that blossomed between us was just like any other. Even though we were Alices, our relationship was no different. Another one of those boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We knew we were in love. **I** thought we were in love. Yet, I was wrong and in the end, I was hurt, and still am.

Those tender lips that once spoke those three words actually muttered the most heinous and traitorous things that I wish to never hear again. Those hands, which once kept me safe, pushed me away on that fateful day like I was the plague itself. And those eyes. Those eyes that used to gaze at me lovingly won't even meet mine now, always darting to some distraction when I come into the scene, thinking I wouldn't know.

I knew, and it still pains me even to today. Why did it have to end just like that? I know of the hardships and the threats you have to put up with. I worried day and night every time you left. Even now, I worry more because we are not as close as we once were.

It has only been a month since that incident and it is almost Christmas. If we had lasted longer, it would have officially been five years since this whirlwind of a relationship started.

Ever since, I have not been myself and I admit it. I do not hide it either, my mind occupied with many other things and blocking out the chattering and giggling of my classmates.

They've all noticed. They know and have all tried to cheer me up. I didn't respond to anything. They thought I was unaware, blinded once by love, and now by depression. But I knew perfectly what was happening around me, I just didn't care. Not anymore.

It was like I've entered my own world. My surroundings blocked from entering the deeper parts of my mind, the part where I really was. It's like I've locked the door and thrown away the key, leaving my body to wander aimlessly around while I watched what was happening like a ghost, my soul disconnected from my body.

I knew for fact that my best friend tried to get me out of my slump. Tried and failed, miserably. Even at this moment, I can tell that she's cooking up another plan. I may be dense and I may have seemed out of it since the last month, but I could tell that Hotaru was worried. When that incident happened, she was the first person I turned to, for once letting me blurt out my troubles, accompanied by big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. She flipped when I told her, her usual facade slipping as her eyes burned in fury and outrage, her mind probably concocting many plans of death for him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the door swing open. Two familiar males had entered the room, one who I only knew too well. My eyes automatically darted to the window, not bothering to check if he would look upon me. My heart couldn't possibly afford any more pain. The gash that was embedded deep within was getting worse every day, with only one cure for it, but that seemed too far away at the moment.

That was when the door opened once more, dutifully allowing the teacher to enter. He seemed to be as joyful as ever, even though I could tell that his violet eyes hinted a wave of worry as it passed through me.

I decided to tune out of my thoughts for once to listen to what Narumi-sensei had to say, since it was only important if he showed up in class.

"Ohayo class." He greeted. His cheerfulness went, uncared for by the class and not bothering to hinder my depression.

Not noticing, he continued. "Today, you will have a free day for the teachers will be having a meeting. But, I do want to tell you that we will be having a Christmas party and this year, there will be something special. There will be a talent show. This is where you get to show off your talents in front of people based on a theme. The theme is 'What happened during this year'. Well, good bye class."

The happy teacher skipped out of the classroom as the rest of the students resumed their usual chattiness, but this time fueled by the excitement of the Christmas party.

I turned my attention back to the window, slightly mesmerized by the rain. Snow had yet to come this year because it wasn't cold enough.Instead, it poured. It was like the sky was crying along with me, except I saved my tears for the night, a routine I picked up after he left.

It was now the joyous month of December. People say that the month of December was a month of celebration. At this moment, I think it's a load of crap because if you look at the situation now, it is in far more need than a celebration.

I really do need to get out of this slump. I need to get my life back, my friends, my cheerfulness, but mostly I want to distract myself from him. I want to let him go but my heart is afraid of the pain and process ahead. How did I get so attached over him these past few years?

Silently, I looked around me, searching for someone. To my pleasure, _he_ was not in sight, along with a certain bunny boy. I guess they slipped out right after our teacher finished.

My eyes surveyed the room when it suddenly latched onto the familiar figure of a person.

Silently, I made my way to her, the eyes of classmates staring at me curiously. God, won't these people mind their own business?

"Hotaru." I mumbled, my voice sounded husky and my throat felt a little raw considering the fact that I haven't used it that much for the past month.

She looked up at me, her eyes wide with surprise.

"I want you to help me." I looked directly into her amethyst ones, showing her how much I really needed her.

"Sure." Was all she replied, obviously convinced by my gaze.

"I want to sign up for the talent show." I took a breath once again as I noticed her eyes grow a little wide. "I want to get over Natsume."

* * *

I was right. The process was long and hard. In the end, I had decided to sing a song, with Hotaru as accompaniment on the piano. 

When I first sang the song, I cried, hard. Tears poured out of my eyes like a rainstorm. Gradually, I controlled myself, though secretly I was still crying on the inside. Hotaru knew full well of this, her being my best friend and all.

As for my life, it regained itself. Though I was not the same girl or as cheerful, I was back. Of course, I was still hiding a part of myself. The part that couldn't bear to be told, not to anyone.

The sky, like my tears, had been pouring continuously for the past week. Thankfully, it was clear tonight, though there were still many clouds hanging in the sky, as if reflecting my own heart at the moment.

I peeked past the curtains, spotting thousands of cheery students. The talent show was held in the Academy stadium, the roof rounded out by many panels of glass. This talent show was for all the students of the Academy. Even teachers joined, adding to the Christmas spirit. It was December 25th, six years since the kiss.

I turned around, coming face to face with my best friend. She looked at me, worries evident in her eyes.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked, even though she knew what I would say.

"Yes Hotaru. I know that I want to do this." I reassured her for the hundredth time, a bit of impatience lingering in my voice.

"Okay." She dropped the topic although I could tell that she wasn't convinced.

We were at the back of the stage, waiting for our turn. It was up next. If I wasn't so depressed, I'd be nervous as hell and be scared that I might mess up the presentation. But right now, I feel like I just want to blurt out my feelings, audience or no audience.

Throughout the practices with Hotaru, my heart had hardened, not allowing a single shred of sadness visible on my face. I knew that I was making great progress overcoming him. I was doing much better than I thought.

I was _acting_ better than I thought. This was the one thing I admitted freely in my mind. This was the one thing I knew that Hotaru didn't know. This was the one thing that I am proud of at the moment. I act my life now, trying to be as normal as possible, getting as close to the original as I could possibly get, and it worked. In truth, I never intended to act. I really did put my best effort forth to become who I once was. I quickly realized, that after a week of 'regular' activities, that I was not making progress in forgetting and letting him go. Instead, I was just trying to get my friends off my back. The heavy burden on my heart had not lifted at all.

When I finally realized this one night, I cried. It was the one thing I had forbidden myself from doing since I began practicing for the talent show because by crying, I would lose everything that I had tried to gain back within this past week.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard the audience applaud the performance before mine.

Quickly, I prepared myself, mentally and physically. I knew there was no way in hiding myself in this song. I was an open book, my heart stripped of protection, bare for all to read.

I smoothed out my outfit, which consisted of a warm and comfortable shoulder-off sweater, in a rich colored royal blue. I wore black dress pants, with a pair of white heeled boots poking out from underneath. Around my neck was a choker made of cloth the same color as my sweater, a white-gold snowflake pendant hanging from it.

I moved my hands to my hair, which had grown inhumanely thick since my childhood. It was still long, reaching a little past my waist. Tonight, it was tied in a loose braid with a thick, and midnight blue bow at the end and thrown over my shoulder, leaving the audience to gaze at my hair without me having to turn around. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

I stood side by side, next to Hotaru, who didn't seem anxious at all.

I could hear the announcer speak my name, as well as naming Hotaru as my accompaniment.

I took a deep breath and walked onto the stage, Hotaru in tow, our footsteps literally synchronized.

I walked to the mike and Hotaru stepped to the piano, situated near the back of the stage.

By now, the audience have grown quiet, all ears were on us.

I looked behind at Hotaru, who signaled that she was ready with the nod of her head.

Once again I faced the front as music flowed off the keyboard behind me. I began to sing, allowing my voice to resonate angelically to the corners of the stadium.

_**Ha ha ha ha.. ha ha ha.. ha ha ha ha.. ha ha ha ha..  
haaaaaa haaaaaaa hoooooo hoooooou.. **_

tell me where did we go wrong  
tell me where did we get lost  
never thought that we could get so heated  
can't see my life without you in it  
I wish that I could full turn  
but I just got to let it burn  
there's nothing I can do about it  
makes me want to scream and shout it  
and I know can't go back  
got to let it go  
as a matter of fact, want to let you know  
want to let u know that . . .  
I'm so alone  
and I can't take it 

Natsume, I hope you're listening to this. I've finally decided to let you go. Even though I will miss you in every way, I promise to stand on my own two feet again, you'll see. __

Boy, I miss sun shining through the rain  
April showers fell  
and washed all the tears away  
summers come and gone  
watch the colors change  
this cold December  
now the sky is gray  
snow is on the ground  
all those sunny days  
now no where to be found  
when I need you the most  
where are you know?  
this cold December . . . 

What is this feeling? I'm actually singing this song with my heart. Have I finally moved on? Have those past practices actually helped me let him go or could it be that my heart has solidified so fully that it's sending out false feelings? __

if it was something I said  
if it was something I did  
whatever I broke I'll fix it  
whatever you want I'll give it  
and I know I can't go back got to let it go  
as a matter of fact, want to let you know  
want to let you know that . . .  
I'm so alone  
and I can't take it, no 

This feeling is getting stronger by the minute. What is it? My heart feels somewhat lifted but my mind is telling it to stop, begging the feeling to keep from expanding. __

boy, I miss sun shining through the rain  
Aprils showers fell  
and washed all the tears away  
summers come and gone  
watch the colors change  
this cold December . . .  
this cold December  
now the sky is gray  
snow is on the ground  
all those sunny days  
now nowhere to be found  
when I need you the most,  
where are you now?  
this cold December 

My mind wants to hold on to Natsume right now, but at the same time my heart is moving on, with or without me. I'm sure of this feeling. Should I let it continue when I'm suddenly feeling so confident? __

boy I miss you in my arms  
and I tried with all my heart  
to make you stay  
make you stay . . .  
now your memory is faint too gray  
like the coldest winter day  
help me please . . .  
help me please 

I gaze out at the audience, shocked at how many pairs of eyes were staring up at me, and yet I don't feel anything but confidence and relief. I can even spot his crimson eyes gazing up at me. Why was it that I was feeling this way? Should I care? I suddenly feel so calm and light-hearted inside. I feel so sure of myself.__

oh baby I  
boy, I miss sun shining through the rain  
Aprils showers fell  
and washed all the tears away  
summers come and gone  
watch the colors change  
this cold December . . .  
cold December now the sky is gray  
snow is on the ground  
all those sunny days  
now no where to be found  
when I need you the most  
where are you now?  
this cold December 

Suddenly, as if on the whim, memories of him play in my head. The way he looks when he sleeps, the ways his embraces seem to keep me safe, the feeling of his passionate kisses, those three magical words that would make my day complete, and then my mind played _that_ incident.

A tear slipped from my eyes as I closed them, the tear visible for the world to see. Oh no, I'm losing it. Why? I thought I finally moved on. I thought I could finally feel relaxed after this instead of continuous depression. I'm sick and tired of this but I really don't want to let him go. I can feel my heart retracing its steps back into depression, hardening instantly as if it just went back in time, reliving each moment. I guess Natsume still has my heart after all. __

boy, I miss sun shining through the rain  
Aprils showers fell  
and washed all the tears away  
summers come and gone  
watch the colors change  
this cold December . . .  
cold December  
now the sky is gray  
snow is on the ground  
all those sunny days  
now no where to be found  
when I need you the most  
where are you now?  
this cold December . . . 

A second tear fell as I opened my eyes, the audience suddenly erupting in cheers and applauds, immune to the pain that was incased and growing in my heart at the moment.

Hold it together Mikan. I can't just cry like this. It will show the world, more importantly him, how weak I really am.

I snapped out of my thoughts and bowed, my emotions in control at the moment, though I knew it was slipping drastically with each passing second.

I turned on my heel and walked to the back of the stage, acting as calmly as I could. I could already see that Hotaru was back there. God, I hope she didn't see the tears.

When I disappeared behind the curtains, Hotaru didn't comfort me like I suspected she would. Instead, she held out my jacket, as if reading my heart instead of my mind.

She knew what I wanted right now, and that was not comfort or a shoulder to cry on but silence and solitude.

I grabbed the jacket and thanked her with a small smile, something I hadn't done even when I was acting.

I ran out of the back door, leaving the rest of the Academy behind in the stadium, not caring at the moment whether they were there or not.

Putting on the jacket, I blindly ran the steps to my comfort zone. I knew there was a high chance that I might run into him there, but at this moment, it was a place I needed to go, a place my heart longed for, and the only place I could think of.

The tree where it all began, and the tree where it all ended. Who knew?

Tears started to stream down my face no matter how much I tried to control it. These pointless drops of water seemed to burn my flesh at the moment, but they were all I've got for now, they were the only thing I could draw comfort from. It's the only thing that still fully reminds me of him. Only _he_ could ever make me cry this much, even if he hadn't meant to.

I collapsed by the sakura tree, my back connecting with the side of the trunk in a second's notice. For now, this was my haven, my sanctuary. Here, I could sulk as much as I wanted because I knew he won't come here now of all times since he's at the stadium. He wouldn't come near me anyways, considering all that has happened between us. I broke down right then and there.

Why must this happen? Why is it so hard to let go of one guy? Why must he tear my heart so? Why? Why? Why?

It was like my mind was torturing me, planning its own death. More images and flashbacks of us appeared in my head. Every hug, and every afternoon of sweet nothings. Every time we held hands, and every time we went on dates. Every time he protected me, whether it was from the AAO or from deranged fan girls and every time we've kissed. Why does everything have to pop up now?

More tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed. It was freezing outside but I welcomed the temperature. It felt like the coldness around my heart at the moment and degree of the numbness I have desired for a while now to stop the pain from continuing.

I don't know how much time passed but with each tear that fell, it seemed to feel like an eternity have passed since I've last felt your arms around me. How I still long for you to take me back and just hold me like there's no tomorrow. To feel your raven locks brushing against my forehead as you bend down to kiss me on the cheek. Another tear slid down my face as I remembered.

I know that these memories will never happen again, no matter how hard I wish. I'm being completely silly, grieving for your love like this. You wouldn't take me back anyway since you were the one that broke up with me.

Is the only thing I'm allowed to do now is move on?

My tears seemed to have stopped flowing on their own because instead, I felt something cold prickling my skin, the feeling instantly disappearing the next second. I look up at the sky, coming to a realization that it was snowing.

It was a white Christmas after all.

My tears stopped as I rested against the tree, for once feeling at peace with myself with the feeling of small tingling sensations of newly fallen snow against my face. It was like the snowflakes were taking away my troubles. If only they could really do that.

I continued to stare at the sky while I journeyed through my clutter of thoughts.

Who knew that one could feel so old and drained in such a short time? That the one who used to feel all happy and peppy around her peers and lover would one day fall into a state of depression and could only feel at peace with a thin layer of ice and numbness surrounding her heart. That emotions can age a person more speedily than time ever could.

Who knew that the relationship we built so strongly in those past years would be torn down so easily with a single event. That all those moments together would turn out for nothing. All the effort both of us has contributed just to be together, wasted and pointless. The once innocent, pure love that blossomed into something more, only to wither away in a short amount of time.

Who knew that all those prophesied ever afters from friends and teachers would actually turn out like this. Those Christmas's together since five years ago have all been perfect. Was it karma that this one turned out so lonely?

Who knew that on this white Christmas, I'd be alone and moving further away from you?

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**Hey minna, thanks for reading. Please send me your thoughts, comments and concerns. I worked really hard on this since this is not my usual writing style. So please send comments on what you thought. I'm also sorry if this story turned out really sappy but I still hoped you liked it. Also, how was the mood of the story? I'm not used to writing about such depres****sing moods so it took a little time. How was the sentence structure of the story? Personally, I thought that it was awkward when I read this again but I didn't know how to rewrite them without changing the entire writing style so I kept this. Anyways, comments are appreciated obviously and I hoped you enjoyed yourselves. Think of this as a prelude to December.**


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